Unapologetically Me, How It All Started. | WiseHarsh
What started my journey to becoming me unapologetically. I grew up in a small town in Gauteng about 100 km from the hustling bustling Johannesburg metropolis. I grew up in what is considered a “normal” family; both my parents are thankfully alive and still married to each other. I grew up with a brother, I can honestly say we care for each other, but we are not close. He was very much an introvert, and I was an extrovert, and we somehow seemed to live past each other.
I was a wild child growing up, from running away from home at the age of thirteen to jumping into the world of drugs for close to ten years; my teenage years were riddled with terrible choices and mistakes. I was determined to be a rebel, no matter what.
In those teenage years, my biggest mistake was the man I met, I was 16, and he was 28, my first mistake. I fell head over heels for him, and I thought this is the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were together for four years; my parents, mostly my father, was against it from the moment he found out. It was a tumultuous relationship; he cheated on me continuously and was extremely jealous.
His jealously was so self-consuming that he would beat the shit out of me for wearing certain clothes, or God forbid another man looked in my direction, something entirely out of my control.
The beatings were ongoing throughout the relationship; he would beat me and beg for forgiveness the next day with varying remorse gifts. Somehow, I always believed that it was my fault and if I could only change the way I look, act and react, that he would stop beating me and be happy that I changed for him. The relationship never improved, and no matter what, I always deserved the beatings I got until one night.
We were engaged at that point and had been out with his friends; when we got home, I had slumped down on the couch, and as I took off my shoes, out of nowhere, I felt something hit me in my face. He had thrown a whisky tumbler at me from the kitchen! Apparently, while we were out with his friends, I laughed too long at one of their jokes, which had created an impression that I was cheating on him. That was the very last night he beat me. That night I decided I would not take it anymore.
I realized at that moment no matter what I wore, no matter what I said, no matter how much I changed myself, I would always be at fault, and I would never be enough. I had to become unapologetically me.
I fought back hard that night and managed to do enough damage that he even tried to lay assault charges against me the next day, luckily the charges never stuck. Our relationship ended not too long after that fateful night. I never realized how much damage had been done until the relationship was over. I had lost a part of myself, a piece of my identity had been stolen, and it has been a long hard process to try and find that piece I had so easily given up.
This was one of the lowest points in my life, I was now entering my twenties, and I was broken. I let myself go completely; I felt worthless and gained a lot of weight. I believe I allowed this to happen to hide from the world and ultimately that no one could see me.
However, all of this led to me discovering the darker side of my personality. Which I loved, there was a genuine part of myself hiding there, and had I not gone through that, and I would not have found a hugely different side of myself. This darker side made me genuinely grow into the woman I am today. I discovered new elements in the world that piqued my interest in BDSM and Neue Deutsche Härte, which played an essential role in my unapologetically journey.
Since then, I have learned that I don’t care that I have a big ass, I don’t care that I don’t look like a Hollywood star, and I don’t care that I am single and childless in my mid-thirties. I want to live my life, my way.
I became unapologetically in the process. I have realized there is nothing wrong with being yourself, even though you might not fit into social expectations.
Originally published at https://www.wiseharsh.com on December 1, 2020.