I do not know about you, but I am incredibly critical of myself and can relive the mistakes I have made over and over, which can feel like an endless cycle. I am absolutely my worst enemy, and it has been my most challenging cross to bear.
As you might have read before, I live on my own, which is a fantastic thing for me as I enjoy my own company and can tinker on without company for an extended period of time. I love being on my own unless I am going through a dark phase; when I become depressed, I can become very mean and extremely self-belittling, which is not always the best thing to do when you are depressed.
My mistakes haunt me during these times and create a vacuum that sucks me in and won’t let me crawl out; it usually takes me several days to get myself right again but let me tell you, if I don’t force myself to get over it quickly it drags on for weeks or months. My depression tends to come out of nowhere; it tends to happen overnight. I will have a fantastic week and wake up one morning completely devastated like my world has fallen apart overnight. I feel worthless and cannot stop crying; I will sit in the same spot, bawling my eyes out and hating myself for being here, being alive.
I convince myself that I am a burden to the world and everyone that knows me and that it would be a better place without me. This is my inner voice telling me to end it; this is something I say and do to myself. I am my worst enemy.
I used to keep it all bottled up but over the years, but I started losing the battle on my own. I started talking to my mom, which helped me immensely to process and deal with my depression. I even learned that my mom herself has dark days, and had I not opened up to her, I would not know this today, as this is not something people openly talk about no matter how close you are.
Life is unfortunately not easy, no matter what other people say. We all suffer from depression in some form, and I believe many people hide this, even though it would be better to at least speak to someone close to you that you trust and can be open with. My coping mechanism is dragging my ass out of bed while crying, make a cup of coffee while crying, putting on some music while crying. Preferable music must be something I like and know the words to; sing along to the song as this helps distract my mind while getting ready to get out of the house.
I will go to my mom still crying and tell her everything I am thinking and feeling; saying it out loud helps as you sometimes realize just how silly it sounds as you say it. This sometimes helps; other times, you need to cry and talk about it no matter how illogical it sounds and feels. When you say it out loud; you can deal with it properly; it is much better than lying in bed alone crying and feeling like the world is against you; you are not your worst enemy.
We all want to portray this perfect image of ourselves, but we are not perfect; everyone has made mistakes and has regrets. Talk about it or write about it; get it out of your system so that it does not have such a hold over you and your life. Forget about the mask and being something you think the world wants you to be. No matter how different it is from what people expect or want you to be, it would be best if you were you. I am unapologetically me, and you need to be unapologetically you.
Originally published at https://www.wiseharsh.com on December 7, 2020.
